There is no point. Everything always hurts. Everyone always ends up fucking you over. All I ever feel is pain and I’ll never get anything else out of life.
“I don’t believe in (the Christian) god for exactly the same reasons that you don’t believe in Vishnu, or Thor, or Ai Apaec, or Moloch, or any of the other myriad supernatural creatures that ancient man invented to help explain the universe to him.”
I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I can’t stand feeling like this all of the time.
It’s crazy how much better painting makes me feel.
Trying so hard to doze off, hoping to finally fall asleep and put your mind to rest, but you suddenly feel it hit you like a giant wave. Why must I be cursed with you, depression? You’re the only thing that has stayed with me for the past few years, through everything, even though I never wanted your company. I’m trying to be happy, I swear, I am. I’m making more of an effort than I ever have. I’m starting college and attempting to do something with my life. Am I only digging myself deeper into the hole, by not doing what I truly want? I’m faking it like the rest. We’re such a sad, sad lot. Everything that we base our lives off of is materialistic. We need money to get anywhere, or so we’re taught from the beginning. It sickens me to my very core. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and when I’ll ever free myself, but I know that I can’t put up with this forever. No, my depression doesn’t have an easy cure, but I know that there are ways I could make myself a much happier person. Traveling and exploring this beautiful Earth is what has been on my mind for as long as I can remember. I want to escape this prison, I want to see what I haven’t seen, there is so fucking much. I don’t want to waste years in school or at a dead-end job. I’d rather be living day by day, with little to no money, than living the “social norm.” When will I just fucking do it? This is my only chance, this is the only life I’ll live.
When will I be able to start my life? There’s always something that has to hold me back, leaving me to dwell on my past, instead of be optimistic towards my future. What fucking future will I ever have? I’m trapped. When I think that I finally have a way out of this black hole that I’ve been in for years, something has to go wrong. I’m sick of constantly running in circles and getting nowhere. I’m back to where I was, where I’ve been, where I don’t want to fucking be. I wish things could work out for me. Alas, I will forever be this fucked up mess, constantly getting nowhere. I feel like my only option is to end my life. I thought I was finally doing well, I felt like I was actually going to be okay for once, but of course not. People make decisions but don’t realize how much they affect others. Nobody fucking realizes what’s happening to me, nobody understands what I’m going through and how fucking trapped I am in this situation. I had so much more to say, but I’m incapable of gathering and attempting to condense all of my crazy thoughts right now.
I am now figuring out ways to save up money to get to New Jersey. wh0o0o0o0t. So fucking excited, such a sexy line up.
The show was awesome. Too short (ended around 9), but still fucking great. Going to shows keeps me alive. Music keeps me alive. Literally.